Am I Cooked? Financially

You know how every retirement calculator gives you one big scary number ("you need $1.4 million by 65"), and then you close the tab and go cry into a spreadsheet? We don't do that. Am I Cooked? takes your numbers and runs them through 10,000 simulated futures — including the rough ones, the boring ones, and the "1929 was a bad year" ones — and tells you, in plain English, how cooked you actually are. SIX POSSIBLE VERDICTS • Chef's kiss — statistically, you're going to be fine. Go enjoy a sandwich. • Well done — most of your futures work out. A few close calls, but you're solid. • Medium — more good than bad. Keep doing what you're doing. • Rare — coin flip. Could go either way. Pay attention. • Raw — the numbers aren't there yet. Something has to change. • Cooked — yeah. We should talk. WHAT WE ASK FOR Five things, all numbers you already know: - How old you are - When you want to stop working - How much you've got squirrelled away today - How much you save each year - How much you'll spend each year in retirement Then pick where the money lives: fixed deposits (boring but safe), 60/40 (responsible adult), S&P 500 (American optimism), or Nasdaq (legal gambling). WHAT WE ACTUALLY DO Run your plan through a Monte Carlo simulation on real historical annual returns going back to 1928 — yes, including the years your grandparents won't shut up about. You get: • A fan chart showing where your portfolio might land in each year, with the realistic 10th-to-90th percentile band as a glow (because the future is not a line) • "What if?" sliders — drag them to see how saving $200 more a month, or working two more years, actually moves the needle • A stress test — what if the worst few years hit right when you retire? (Spoiler: it matters. A lot.) • Saved scenarios — try different futures, come back to them later • Side-by-side comparison — finally settle the "what if I retire at 55 instead?" argument you keep having with yourself • Share your verdict — send the result card to anyone brave enough to ask WHAT WE WILL NOT DO Take your data. Sell your data. Hand it to "trusted partners." There is no account, no signup, no server, no analytics, no ads, no email asking you to come back. Your numbers stay on your phone. The app doesn't even ask for internet permission, because it doesn't need any. Also: no subscription. We're aware everything has a subscription now. We chose not to. COOKED PRO — $2.99, once, forever Unlocks: • Unlimited saved scenarios (free version saves one) • Side-by-side scenario comparison • Custom withdrawal rate (3% / 3.5% / 4% / 4.5%) • Custom fee drag — because expense ratios are real • Custom return assumptions if you don't trust ours • Stress test mode • Removes the small watermark from shared result cards One charge. Forever. No subscription. We promise. WHO IT'S FOR Anyone who has Googled "how much do I need to retire" at 1am and bounced off ten different spreadsheets. Anyone who knows one big number is a bad answer to a complicated question. Anyone who'd like to know if they're 30% cooked or 95% cooked, and what specifically they can do about it. THE FINE PRINT This is a projection, not financial advice. Past returns aren't a guarantee — the future doesn't have to look like 1928-2025, it just usually rhymes. Treat the result as a directional read ("roughly on track" vs "something needs to change"), not a prediction, and not a substitute for a real financial advisor if your situation is complicated. Sources for the historical return data are bundled into the app and visible from the Under the Hood screen.