Dumb person says
Dumb person says Thank you for your review. Please contact our Customer Support team if you have any concerns regarding the application, we will be more than happy to assist you.
WARNING: DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS APP
My dream has always been to earn an Olympic gold medal. Whenever I think about standing on that podium, looking out over a world of people I have beaten to claim that shining golden token, I feel like nothing can stop me. I have made it my life’s work. You can imagine my dismay at the realization that I am a wimpy little e-boy who hasn’t touched grass in years.
I gave it my all. I signed up at teamusa.org. I hired a coach to teach me how to play table tennis. I worked day-in and day-out. After a year of training I entered a local tournament and lost to a drunken middle aged man. I ultimately gave up at being an athlete when the news broke that my coach had killed himself.
It was over for me. My one and only life-long dream had been crushed. That is, until I discovered the e-sports Olympics. I could train to achieve my lifelong goal by sitting in a chair in the dark being a sweat at the dumbest games of all time, just like I love to do! I began my new training in earnest, and that’s when I encountered this app.
This weird little app that, at the time, only had 2 reviews. This innocent looking app that requires a 300MB download. This was my chance. I eagerly downloaded the app without reading the privacy policy and began to play. That was my biggest mistake.
The same night I downloaded the app, I was awakened by the sound of shattering glass. I don’t own a gun for mental health reasons, so I grabbed the katana I keep by my bedside and went to investigate. As soon as I opened my bedroom door, a gas grenade rolled between my legs. Before I could even react it was too late. My vision faded and I was out.
I woke up with my hands and feet cuffed to a chair with a bag over my head. I could hear the sounds of people speaking in a foreign language. As my senses returned to me I could make out that it was an Asian language. It clearly wasn’t Japanese, so Chinese was my best guess. The talking grew louder, and then the bag was ripped off of me.
I was sitting in a large room with dirt floors and a row of tables. At the tables there were what must have been hundreds of Asian women and children sitting at sewing machines. This was a sweat shop. With closer inspection I could see that they were all making Nike Air Jordan’s.
The bag had been pulled off of me by a very tall and very muscular Asian man wearing a black suit and shades. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but as he uncuffed my hands and two women placed a sewing machine in front of me, it became clear what was going on. I was this sweat shop’s newest employee.
Simultaneously I began working and thinking of a way to escape. I was always good at looking busy, and so I fiddled around with fabric and leather, and used the instruction manual as best I could given that I couldn’t read it.
The days went by. The work was grueling. The manager would walk down the aisles whipping whoever wasn’t doing their job. As days became weeks and weeks became months I became extremely familiar with how to make Jordan’s. I felt numb. I was a slave. My life was no longer worth living, and I wasn’t even allowed to end it.
Eventually the sweatshop expanded to manufacture steel-toed work boots. Part of the process involved using an angle grinder. This was my chance. When the manager wasn’t looking, I bent down and began to grind away at the cuff on my left foot. Carefully, I managed to remove it without hurting myself. By the time I began on the right foot, the manager was walking over and yelling something. In my hurry, my hand slipped and the grinder cut a gash in my ankle. It hurt worse than anything I had ever felt, but the cuff was off. I lept up and began to run.
The next hours were a blur. I was running from police and their dogs. I made my way to a harbor and snuck aboard a shipping boat bound for the United States. I had nearly starved to death by the time I made it back.
I am typing this on a stranger’s phone in San Francisco. DO NOT download this app unless you want to wake up in a sweat shop.
I gave it my all. I signed up at teamusa.org. I hired a coach to teach me how to play table tennis. I worked day-in and day-out. After a year of training I entered a local tournament and lost to a drunken middle aged man. I ultimately gave up at being an athlete when the news broke that my coach had killed himself.
It was over for me. My one and only life-long dream had been crushed. That is, until I discovered the e-sports Olympics. I could train to achieve my lifelong goal by sitting in a chair in the dark being a sweat at the dumbest games of all time, just like I love to do! I began my new training in earnest, and that’s when I encountered this app.
This weird little app that, at the time, only had 2 reviews. This innocent looking app that requires a 300MB download. This was my chance. I eagerly downloaded the app without reading the privacy policy and began to play. That was my biggest mistake.
The same night I downloaded the app, I was awakened by the sound of shattering glass. I don’t own a gun for mental health reasons, so I grabbed the katana I keep by my bedside and went to investigate. As soon as I opened my bedroom door, a gas grenade rolled between my legs. Before I could even react it was too late. My vision faded and I was out.
I woke up with my hands and feet cuffed to a chair with a bag over my head. I could hear the sounds of people speaking in a foreign language. As my senses returned to me I could make out that it was an Asian language. It clearly wasn’t Japanese, so Chinese was my best guess. The talking grew louder, and then the bag was ripped off of me.
I was sitting in a large room with dirt floors and a row of tables. At the tables there were what must have been hundreds of Asian women and children sitting at sewing machines. This was a sweat shop. With closer inspection I could see that they were all making Nike Air Jordan’s.
The bag had been pulled off of me by a very tall and very muscular Asian man wearing a black suit and shades. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but as he uncuffed my hands and two women placed a sewing machine in front of me, it became clear what was going on. I was this sweat shop’s newest employee.
Simultaneously I began working and thinking of a way to escape. I was always good at looking busy, and so I fiddled around with fabric and leather, and used the instruction manual as best I could given that I couldn’t read it.
The days went by. The work was grueling. The manager would walk down the aisles whipping whoever wasn’t doing their job. As days became weeks and weeks became months I became extremely familiar with how to make Jordan’s. I felt numb. I was a slave. My life was no longer worth living, and I wasn’t even allowed to end it.
Eventually the sweatshop expanded to manufacture steel-toed work boots. Part of the process involved using an angle grinder. This was my chance. When the manager wasn’t looking, I bent down and began to grind away at the cuff on my left foot. Carefully, I managed to remove it without hurting myself. By the time I began on the right foot, the manager was walking over and yelling something. In my hurry, my hand slipped and the grinder cut a gash in my ankle. It hurt worse than anything I had ever felt, but the cuff was off. I lept up and began to run.
The next hours were a blur. I was running from police and their dogs. I made my way to a harbor and snuck aboard a shipping boat bound for the United States. I had nearly starved to death by the time I made it back.
I am typing this on a stranger’s phone in San Francisco. DO NOT download this app unless you want to wake up in a sweat shop.
Show more
Scum game
This game is literally the definition of a scam
Response from developer
Thank you for your review. Please get in touch with our Customer Support team if you have any concerns regarding the application, we will be more than happy to assist you.
DANGEROUS - DONT DOWNLOAD
Watch out other Olympic dude in the comments, I’m coming for gold! Actually though, why is this in the Olympics?!? Something suspicious is going on - 300 mega bites for tic tac toe? Why is my location being tracked?? No way this game would be chosen over smash bros or even clash of clans. Don’t download this! Something sketchy is going on.
Show more
Response from developer
Thank you for your review. Please contact our Customer Support team if you have any concerns regarding the application, we will be more than happy to assist you.
Can’t wait to be a Olympic Player
As the only player of this truly perfect game, quality is unmatched as I shoot my bow which obviously takes so much skill perfectly timing each shot and definitely not something a noob could do. I am going to win the Olympics just remember the dude called Jordan and with curly hair
Response from developer
Thank you for your kind words!
