User Agreement

Agree to the terms. Prove you're not a robot. Join the 2.4 GHz network, because the smart kettle only speaks 2.4 GHz. Free up 4 terabytes, but whatever you do, don't delete the Experience. The fuse is already burning. User Agreement is a frantic microgame party where every game is a setup chore, and the thing you're setting up never quite begins. It is every onboarding screen you have ever suffered, turned into a reflex game, and it is very funny about it. HOW IT PLAYS A command slams onto the screen, a fuse burns down, and you have a few seconds to do the chore. Pick the right Bluetooth device from a list of near-identical names. Say "Hey Lumen". Match the light bulb's colour. Wave your phone in a figure of eight. Find the dead pixel. Reject every cookie. Fail five and setup times out; win five in a row and you get some patience back. The progress bar only ever goes up: 99%. 99.6%. 99.93%. Just one more thing. WHAT'S INSIDE - 82 setup steps in sections that get steadily more obscure: Network, Accounts & Security, Devices, Voice Assistant, Smart Home, Sensors & Calibration, Hinge, Legal, then Regional Compliance, Fold Insurance, Settings Behind the Settings and worse - 16 setup screens from every era: an early-2000s wizard, a 1992 installer, a BIOS utility, a green-LCD candybar phone, a click-wheel music player, a router's admin page, a terminal, a cookie banner. All original parody - Every run is shuffled: section order, steps and screens. Today's Setup is the same run for everyone that day - Your answers build a profile that setup remembers, and quotes back at you - 20 badges to earn, and a report card to share when setup times out - Real hardware steps: tilt, shake, spin, the barometer, the proximity sensor, the volume buttons, the microphone, screenshots, brightness and haptics. Every sensor step has an on-screen fallback ON IPHONE DUO - The hinge is a controller: FOLD! to an exact angle, UNLOCK! a dial with it, PUMP IT!, LAPTOP MODE!, lay it flat, RESTART! by closing and reopening - Shut the phone to read a code off the cover screen, then open it to type it in - Drag a cable across the fold into the router. Read the manual by swiping pages over the fold - Close the phone to pause. The cover nags you with setup reminders and shows how far you are from ready On any other iPhone the hinge steps become on-screen dials and sliders, so everyone can play. One price, no ads, no accounts, no tracking, no internet needed. The camera, microphone and motion are optional, used only on your phone, and nothing is recorded or sent. Setup will be complete shortly.